Jasper's Coolio Cool Adventures of The Presidency
by shadowgrave22
Summary: SEQUEL TO: Jasper For The Presidency! Jasper's adventures during his reign of presidency in the White House. Includes the ALMOST assassination of the queen, the starting of World War 3, and the buttering of socks.
1. Randomly Making Out

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight... No matter how many stars I wish on...**

**I would like to introduce SmileysRoxSox, a new character here in my story and also a fellow fanfiction lover. WHOO! BUTTER! Oh and I have a website.... go on my profile to check it out...**

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

I was singing "Dixie" (because I'm super awesome) in THE OVAL OFFICE, while I asked ME LOVEY JAZZY (who decided to give up her evil ways, though she hasn't entirely committed) the White House chef, to get me glass of blood because I was too lazy to go hunt.

"ME LOVEY JAZZY!!!!!"

"Yes, Oh Great One?"

"Can I get a refill?"

"Of course,"

I like White House living.

**SmileysRoxSox's P.O.V.**

I mixed the solution in with poison ivy, trying to figure out how to get rid of this one.

I was not a...vampire... but I was not human. I guess you could call me... extraterrestrial in the form of a human.

Cement was added to the mixture.

There was something peculiar about this one. He was unbelievably young looking, though he claimed to be 35. He was also H-O-T. As were his brothers.

I had succeeded with Lincoln, Garfield, Kennedy, etc...

I just needed to find out how to do away with this one.

"COME ON! WE DON'T HAVE ALL DAY!" yelled Myrtle, the official stalker of Jasper Hale, AKA my landlord, AKA Jasper's secretary.

"Hold on," I said.

"NO! I GOT TO MAKE A LIVING TOO, YOU KNOW! MY OFFICIAL JOB IS WATCHING JASPER'S EVERY MOVE (at night his AND Alice's if you know what I mean) AND THAT DOESN'T PAY WELL!!!!!"

Fine, I thought. Killing President Hale would have to wait.

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

Hmm... What's on my agenda for today...?

Meet with Queen of England

Meet with the dude from the Soviet Union

Butter my socks

Meet with family

Meet with Alice ;)

Meet with the dude who runs Pizza Hut

Well, sounds good to me.

"Myrtle! Bring in the queen!!!!"

"Gotcha!"

The queen came in.

"I LIKE CHEESE!" screamed Spongebob, the White House pet. (THE actual Spongebob)

"Um, well, let's get to business..." I said.

"London Bridge is falling downnnnnn...." screamed the crazy old lady we keep in the backyard.

"WHAT!?" screamed the queen, flying to the London Bridge in my super awesome helicopter I got from the WHITE HOUSE! WHOO!

"NO!!!! PLEASE COME BACK!!!"

"Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony, stuck a feather in his hat..." **(A/N: The British soldiers made this up whilst trying to rid them of their boredom.)**

"COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed.

"Never! I have never ever seen such a horrible country! I'm posting this on my blog!" **(A/N: I do not wish in any way to offend the queen. I am just having fun with leaders of the world.)**

ERG!!! THIS IS WHY THE ENGLISH HATE US!!!!!

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

So, yeah. I like lemur feet....

Anyway, since Edward won't leave Bella in Forks, he is staying along with Carlisle and Esme. Sigh, I already miss Forks! AND ALL MY FRIENDS!!!! Wait, I didn't have any friends. So, I'm a loser!? NO!!!

-Forks High School-

Ooh, there's Edward and Bella!!!

"I love you." Said Edward

"I love you more." Said Bella.

"No, I love you more." Edward.

"I LOVE YOU MORE!" Bella.

"I LOVE YOU MORE!!!!!" Edward.

"DAMMIT EDWARD, I LOVE YOU MORE!!!" then they started to randomly make out.

I walked up to them.

"Ah, Bedward."

"Bedward?" they asked in unison. They're so cute!

"Or Ella, if you prefer."

"I like Ella; it's actually a girl's name. He-he, Edward has a girl's name!"

"Grr."

"Edward, I find your growling oddly attractive! Let's go make out in the Volvo!"

"OK!"

Ah... WAIT! I WANTED TO ASK THEM SOMETHING!!!!!

Well, I'll ask my friends.

"HEY! ANGELA!" I asked the girl who oddly looked like Suzy Crabgrass. **(A/N: the girl who plays Angela played Suzy Crabgrass in Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide.)**

"Erm.. Emmett, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Um, I thought you were in Washington D.C.?"

"Yes."

"What do you want? I'm already late to Algebra."

"Well, I was wondering if I could spend a day with my bests buddy in Forks High School!"

"Emmett, I'm really more of Bella's friend..."

"SPEND TIME WITH ME!!!"

"AHHH!"

Well, I guess I'll go ask Bedward my question now.

-Volvo-

"Mmmmm....."

"HEY GUYS!"

"WE WERE DOING SOMETHING!!!!" yelled Edward.

"Ah, Eddie, you put off your sexual frustration for over a century, I think you can wait five minutes."

"GRR."

"EDWARD!" yelled Bella, and with that they started making out again.

The wedding's two weeks away. They won't make it.

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

I just got a call from Emmett. He-he, Edward and Bella won't make it.

Speaking of that...

"ALICE!!!!!"

"Yes?"

"I put on my special shirt,"

"I know,"

"So..."

"I can't, Jasper. As First Lady, I have many duties!"

"Oh."

"Sorry,"

"It's ok," I sighed.

I fear this is getting in the way of our relationship.

I shall do my Presidential duties!

"MYRTLE! BRING IN THE SOVIET UNION DUDE!"

"GOTCHA!"

The dude came in smelling like fish & potatoes. Ew.

"So, I understand your country would like to sign a treaty with mine?"

"Meatloaf."

"...?"

Myrtle came in briskly, the door slamming behind her.

"Um, sir, he only knows one English word."

"Ohhhh....."

She left, singing a song about English muffins.

"Oh, my, this will be-,"

"Meatloaf."

"Um, yergin, shmirgin, doofenbirghim?"

"Yinger tinger, blinger, singer!" I have no idea what he just said.

"Bloopen shpoopen."

"(#*$(*$*)#()($)(#)$()()$(#)!!#!!" Ok, those words are understood nationally.

I don't know why, but he looked like he was going to shoot somebody.

"MYTRLE! What happened?"

"You started World War III."

"Crap."

**Myrtle's P.O.V.**

OHHH EMMM GEEEEE!!!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT AN UNPAID INTERNSHIP FOR THE WHITE HOUSE!!! PRESIDENT HALE! WHOO!

Sure, he just started WWIII, but he's UBER HAWT!!! WHOO!

"Oh, Jasper...." I said in a seductive purr. I was wearing my special blouse; the one with the deep V-line. I was also on top of the historical desk passed on from President to President.

"Er, Myrtle, I would like to keep our relationship professional. I'm married to Alice and diehardTWIhard."

"Why don't you get yourself another wife?" I crooned.

"SECURITY!"

"AHHH!"

This will be harder than I expected.

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

What else is on the damn list?

-ONE MOMENT OF BUTTERING SOCKS LATER-

Ok, now that that's done, I'm gonna go meet with my beloved family.

-WHITE HOUSE DINING ROOM-

"Thank you for all coming today, and thank you, Bella and Edward, for flying all the way from Forks to meet with us."

"Mmmmm..." they said, randomly making out.

"Ok... Well, I think that since I've become President, we've grown apart."

"GOOD GOLLY! SETH'S HAVING A SEIZURE!" yelled Carlisle. And there was Seth Clearwater having a seizure right on the White House floor.

"WTF? I thought he was in La Push?"

"I-gasp-wanted-gasp-to-gasp-come!"

"Why?"

"I-gasp-dunno."

"SECURITY!!" I yelled. They dragged a dying Seth away.

"Ok... um, well, I-"

"EDWARD!" yelled Bella, making out with Edward.

"THERE IS NO MAKING OUT IN THE WHITE HOUSE!"

"Grr." Growled Edward.

"Growling is oddly attractive!" she yelled, doing you know what.

"FAMILY! I-,"

"OH MY GOD, IT'S HANNAH MONTANA!" yelled Jacob.

"WTF? This is a FAMILY meeting, mutt!"

"I WILL WIN BELLA!"

"Grr." Edward.

"AHHHH!!!!" he screamed, eating kibble.

Bella started to do you know what.

"THAT'S IT! CAN I HAVE A MINUTE WITH YOU, EDWARD?"

"Sure."

Bella said, "I love you, Edward."

"I love you too. Goodnight, goodnight, parting is such sweet sorrow, that we must say goodnight, till it be morrow."

"Um, I'm gonna see you in less than a minute..."

"Doesn't make it any easier..."

AW! They're so cute! Hey, wait a minute...

I looked around, but they were gone. Dammit! They used their cuteness powers on me!

Oh, well.

Let's review...

I started World War 3, made Americans look stupid to the English, insulted the Soviet Union, almost got seduced by my secretary, and almost killed the Queen of England. (The helicopter crashed.)

Well, that can't be good.

**So, whaddya think? Review. It makes me happy.**


	2. God Bless Copenhagen

**Hello, peoples! Guess what? NOTHING! HAHAHAHAHA! You thought I was going to tell you something!**

**Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah, I don't own Twilight. **

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

I was playing Solitaire during one of Jasper's meetings (he made me an advisor!) when he yelled at me.

"EMMETT!"

Ugh! He's been such a stiff pickle lately! Wait, what?

"Emmett, what are you doing on your laptop?"

"PLAYING SOLITAIRE!"

"Well, you're fired."

"WHAT!? YOU CAN'T FIRE ME! I QUIT!"

"Oh, ok."

Damn it! I shouldn't have done that! Why? Because right after I quit, Carlisle told me to get a job because I begged for money too much.

"Carlisle!"

"Emmett!" he said back.

"Carl, I-"

"Carl?" he asked. Dammit, he doesn't like it!

"Yeah, I created some modern nicknames for us because our names sound like old peoples!"

He sighed. "Fine, what're they?"

"Carl, Esme's name is fine, Rose, Em, Jazz, Ali, Eddie, Bella!"

"Ok, first of all, Carl sounds like an overweight taxi driver. Second of all, you, Rosalie, Jasper, and Bella already go by those names! And third of all, Edward and Alice are classical names and can forever be used. Okay? I gotta go revive Seth. Adios!"

Erg, I gotta go get a job. Wait, Seth is dead?

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

So, England hates us. I tried buying an English muffin from the gas station, but turns out, the English stopped exporting those to us.

"Emmett," I said. "Go to England, say your name is Robert C. McLofland and get me an English muffin!"

"Can't," he replied smugly. "You FIRED me remember?"

"You 'quit!'"

"Fine. I'll come back! Because I don't like to see you beg!"

"What?" I then realized I was on my knees begging.

"Emmett," I said. "Since you work for me, I want you to spend time with all of our nation's citizens!"

"OK!"

Emmett is so easy to work with. Aw, I forgot to remind him about the Robert C. McLofland thing! English muffins, I fear we shall never meet again. Wait, why am I eating a muffin? They taste horrible! BLOOD!!!!! Hey look a human!

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~SCENE REMOVED~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**Jasper's eyes were then red for the next two weeks. **

**Back to the story...**

Ok, so... yeah. What!? If you ate chocolate everyday since you were born and suddenly you have to stop, you wouldn't slip up!? You wouldn't secretly eat a little bit of Hershey's? COME ON!

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

Saying hi to random people is fun!

"Merry Christmas, girly!"

"I'm Jewish."

"Oh.... Happy Kwanzaa!"

-HEAD DESK-

Hmmm..... oh, look, a muffin!

-AUTHOR KILLS HERSELF-

-AUTHOR'S GHOST TAKES OVER-

Ugh, this is boring! I'm gonna go visit Carlisle! Which, by the way, sounds like a girls' name!

-Forks, Washington-

"Hey, Carl!"

"Emmett."

"Fine, CARLISLE."

"Whoa!" I said, for he was reviving Seth! But, sadly, he started gushing blood.

"Hmm..." said Carlisle. "I'm too lazy to do my job as a doctor, so I will bite him and put him through an incredibly painful three day long torture!" Then he bit him.

-THREE DAYS LATER-

"Whoa. AHHH!!!!!! Hey, a muffin. OHMIGOD! Stephenie Meyer said vampire venom is incredibly harmful to werewolves! AHHHHH!!!!!" said the human/wolf/vampire/mutant thingy. AKA Seth.

"Well, my work here is done." said Dr. Acula.

"Carlisle, can I help!?"

"Sure. Help me do brain surgery!"

"OK!"

"No. Go home."

"Erg."

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

Erg. Everybody's asking for a break. Oh, yeah, it's Christmas.

"Mr. President, can I-,"

"SAY NO MORE! Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukah! Happy Kwanzaa! GOD BLESS AMERICA! AND COPENHAGEN!"

"Ok, weirdo."

"FAMILY!"

-Family comes in-

"Let us come together in holt matrimony- Oh, I forgot, this isn't a wedding. Family, friends, wait- we have no friends. Family, let's together and sing songs and give to those less fortunate. LOVE MAKES THE WORLD GO 'ROUND!"

So we did exactly that.

Until Emmett tried to cook a turkey and gave Bella food poisoning.

**Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukah! Happy Kwanzaa!**

**Please Review. This chapter was your present and reviews will be mine.**


	3. A Wedding and The Mafia

*****************DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT WANT A RANT*******************

**Hi, people of America! And England! And Mexico! And Japan! And Genovia! Wait, that's from the Princess Diaries… So, I wrote this because I feel annoyed at this question on Fanpop. com:**

**http: / / www . fanpop . com / spots / twilight - series / answers / show / 73823 / ok- since- people - persistant- bella -end -up - with- edward- why- didnt- meyer- just- come- up- with- way- make- human- again- would- solved- alot- issues- more- original**

**Except without the spaces. So, I wrote this to let off steam. Oh, and my username on Fanpop is LionLamb1918 so those are my comments.**

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

It was a dark day. Which was bad because it was Edward and Bella's wedding day.

_Crap._

I knew he was going to blame me somehow! I just knew it! I wondered how I was going to fix

this. _I know, I'll call the weather man! YAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!_

"Hello? Fox 4 News! You are speaking to Todd Caruthers!"

"Mr. Magical weather man! HELP!"

"…"

"I need you to make it sunny in Washington, D.C.!"

"Sir, um, I'm just a meteorologist-,"

"YOU SAID YOU WERE THE WEATHER MAN!"

"I'm aware of that, but-,"

"UGH! LIARS!!!!"

_I am so suing him! _

"Emmett!" yelled the very angry lion. AKA, Edward.

"Whassup?"

"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!?!?! IT'S. SUPPOSED. TO. BE. MY. SPECIAL. DAY!!!!

WAHHHH!!!! MOMMY!!! I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!!"

"Oh, Edward," sighed Esme, patting his back and giving him his bottle and blankie. I decided

I liked to taunt Edward on his special day.

"Oh, Eddie, it's alright. I'm sure Tanya will be ok with the darkness on you guys' wedding day," I said, snickering. Ooh, that's a funny word. Snickering, snickering, snickering…

"WHAT!?!?!?!?"

"Isn't that who you're getting married to? That's the name I put on the invitations!" He then

started to cry even harder.

"WAH!"

He-he.

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

_I'm being followed by a lunatic._

Please help me.

"JAZZY-PER! I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE! COME TO ME!!!"

ME LOVEY JAZZY is scaring me! Well, actually, she's scaring the American citizens because of

her worship towards Hitler. But, on the other hand, I think she's obsessed with Mussolini now.

"Jasper! Come _on_! We. Are. Out. Of. Sugar."

"Because you drank it all!" I cried. Wow, I probably shouldn't have done that. Why, you ask? Well, because that female spent two months training with police dogs and she has the ears of a… um, of something that has big ears.

"Mr. Cuddlebuddy! I found you!" she screamed into my sensitive ears. Did I ever tell you my ears are sensitive? Well, they are. Just because I'm a vampire doesn't mean I don't have a sensitive side, you know.

"Yay! I found you! Now, should Edward and Bella's cake be chocolate or vanilla!? Answer me, man! This is a very important day, you know! Wait, don't tell me… YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THEIR WEDDING! Gasp, I'm telling Edward!"

Mr. Groomzilla then started beating me with his fists. It really hurt! I have sensitive skin, you know! Stronger than a human, weaker than a normal vampire. Shut up! My mommy says I'm special!

"YOU. ARE. RUINING. MY. SPECIAL. DAY!!!!!!"

"OW!!! MOMMY!"

Some lady came out of the ground and it was- gasp- my human mommy! YAY!

"Hug me, Jazzy- pie!" She cried.

"Ew, no. You're old and wrinkly and a zombie. Get lost, lady!"

She then started to cry and run off into the sunset! No, really, she ran off into the sunset and got third degree burn.

"Wait a minute," I said, realizing that ME LOVEY JAZZY had asked me how to bake the cake, "you didn't bake the cake yet!? I told you to do it last night! The wedding's in an hour! You're the worst White House Chef ever!"

"WAH!" cried Groomzilla.

"I did bake it last night! But, uh, we had, um… rats…" she said, looking off to the side.

"RATS!? YOU HAVE ICING ON YOUR LIP!"

"Would you like to help me remove it?" she asked, puckering her lips.

"Ok, first: EW! Second: You better have a cake in an hour or you're FIRED!"

Aw… the Hitler obsessed human started to cry… He-he, it's kinda funny…

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

So, after I traumatized Edward after fifteen minutes before handing him off to Jasper, Alice told me to go wake up Bella.

"Aw… why? Bella so cute when she sleeps! She screams when you pinch her really hard!" I said, pinching her with BRUTE FORCE! MANLY BRUTE FORCE!

"EMMETT! NO! Look what you did to her arm! The blood will get on my $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dress!"

"Wow, you spent that much on a dress?" I asked.

"I know! It was on sale!"

"What was the full price?"

"If I said it, the Fanfiction readers would be looking at twenty chapters worth of zeros."

"You know, dear sister," I said, "I know how to get awesomely fashionable clothes for a reasonable price."

She spit venom on me. Ow! I have sensitive skin you know! Well, at least Jasper's skin is even MORE sensitive! He-he…

"Emmett, you buy your clothes at Goodwill and the 99 cents store! No wonder why Rosalie is cheating on you with Marcus!" … Rosalie is cheating on me with Marcus???

"STOP SPREADING YOUR CRUEL LIES, SISTER DEAREST!"

"Whatever, Emmett. Bella! Wake up! NOW! YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED TODAY!"

Bella woke up. Oh, boy, did she wake up.

**Five minutes later…**

"Hello? Bella? Bella?" said Alice, waving her hand around.

"W-What happened?" Bella asked groggily.

"I said the 'm' word and you started to hyperventilate screamed 'MARRIED!?' and then you fainted."

"Oh. OK! YAY! I'm getting married! EMMETT! STOP RUINING MY SPECIAL DAY!

Oh great, a Bridezilla.

**SmileyRoxSox's P.O.V.**

MUHHAHAHAHAH! I, Smiley F. Lipstick, shall finally triumph! IN KILLING _PRESIDENT HALE!!!_

It's kinda hard to do, what with Jasper being immortal and whatnot… But, I shall succeed! I have come up with a foolproof plan!

1) Steal the replacement cake ME LOVEY JAZZY bought at _Aro's Awesomely Awesome Cake Factory/ Volturi Headquarters/ Mafia_

2) Blame Jasper

3) Let Edward kill Jasper for ruining his and Bella's special day.

4) Get a burrito

It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant! Especially the burrito part. I'm hungry…

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

_Gosh, I'm hungry._

"ME LOVEY JAZZY! A glass of **AB Positive**, please?"

"Sure! Oh, and, just to let you know, I got the replacement cake."

"Really? So… vanilla or chocolate?"

"BOTH! I had Aro-,"

"Aro? I thought he was the Volturi leader/ Mafia Godfather?"

"He makes cakes and has the human intern, Gianna, taste them. Then she gets diarrhea, but, we had a little amount of time, so I HAD to ask him."

Ha, Aro's a baker, Aro's a baker… I then realized Aro was touching my forehead.

"Um…?"

"BAKING IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF! WAH! MOMMY!"

"Ok… Hey, I thought you could only read someone's past thoughts and only by touch."

"I can."

"But-,"

"THREE SECONDS AGO COUNTS AS THE PAST! GOSH!"

"Yeah…"

He then made a pitchfork appear magically out of the air! Wow! I wish _I _were part of the Volturi. But no, they don't think my power is 'useful.' Right… like future-seeing and mind-reading is…

"What are you doing with the pitchfork?"

"Oh, we were just coming to check up on Bella. And since she is not immortal, she will DIE!"

"NO!"

"Oh, ok. Another time, then."

We stood like statues for five minutes.

"Um, so… when are you going?"

"Oh, Marcus is staying to, er, do some 'business' with Rosalie, Caius is in the process of becoming a Japanese dictator, and my flight has been delayed for three days. Such a shame, really. Sulpicia and I were having family game night."

"How is it even possible for you to have a family?"

"Sometimes, we like to pretend that Jane and Alec are our rebellious teenagers! Which, I admit, annoys them to an extent, but it makes Sulpicia happy."

I knew I was going to regret this, but…

"Aro, how would you like to stay in the White House for the next few days?"

"Oh, well, I really shouldn't- OK!"

"Good. Will you be needing anything?"

"Well…"

**Ten minutes later…**

"… but not the kind that screams, a kitten, a plunger, a cake-,"

"CRAP! I forgot to check on the cake!"

I ran towards the kitchen. O…M…G…

"ARO!"

"Yes?"

"I thought you baked us a cake!"

"I did."

"Where is it?"

"It's right- OMG, it's gone!"

Lord, I'm sorry for the time I looked under that lady's skirt when I was ten, and I'm sorry for the time I-

"JASPER! THIS IS NO TIME FOR MAKING LAST MINUTE APOLOGIES! THE WEDDING IS STARTING!" yelled ME LOVEY JAZZY.

Uh-oh.

**Emmett's P.O.V.**

Well, everything appears to be in order. Bella's bleeding stopped and no blood got on the dress! The shrimp is on the table for the humans, the **AB Positive** is also there for our vampire guests. I guess everything turned out OK-

"EMMETT!" Never mind.

"What, Jasper?" I asked.

"The. Cake. Is. Missing."

"Relax, Jazz. I got it covered," I said, dialing my phone, calling the one person who could save this wedding.

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

I sure hope Emmett's help gets here soon. I walked to my place beside Edward. TAKE THAT, EMMETT! I GET TO BE EDWARD'S BEST MAN! HA! The wedding took place inside the ballroom of the White House, where Alice had done a great job decorating. A little _too_ great. I swear, it'll take weeks to get all these ribbons off the balcony…

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…" said the priest. When he came to the vows, I almost cried. Well, actually, I threw water at my eyes, but… THEY'RE JUST SO SWEET!

"Bella," Edward started. "Before you, Bella, my life was life a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars- points of light and reason. … And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything. I love you, my Bella, my Isabella, and I'll always protect you. Forever."

AW!!! I can see why Renee is crying. Oh, wait, she's crying because she's choking on the blood she thought was red wine…

"Edward," said a crying Bella. Good thing Alice got her the water-proof mascara. "I love you more than you can possibly articulate. You're the reason why I get out of bed everyday. I want to wake up in your arms, smiling. When we were… apart… that time just proves how I can't live without you. I know that a lot of people her *cough* Jessica, Mike *cough* think we aren't going to last. But, I know we are. God, I don't know what else to say to you, Edward, other than I love you. Because it's the truth."

"Ladies and gentlemen: Mr. and Mrs. Edward Cullen." Yay- OH NO! THE CAKE! RECEPTION! KILL ME! EDWARD!

But, surprisingly, when we got to the reception room, the cake was there. And so was…

"OMG, the Plain White Tees!?"

"Yeah," said Emmett. "I wanted everybody to stop calling me a blubbering idiot. I'm not a blubbering idiot! Heck, my IQ far outstrips any human's!"

"So, the cake?"

"What, you haven't already guessed?"

"…"

"Esme?"

"Yup!"

Esme then came out with a colander (the bowl with holes!) and a bunch of other cooking stuff!

"What? You couldn't possibly think that I would let my favorite son- I mean one of my sons go without the perfect wedding day?" I thought I WAS HER FAVORITE!

"Wait, where's Aro?" I asked.

And there he was, dancing with MY WIFE!

"Alice!"

"What? Sulpicia is all the way in Italy! He needs someone to dance with!"

"Fine," I grumbled.

"Bye!" yelled Bella. And it really was 'bye' to her father and mother and all the humans. For the last time.

But do not fret. For, when the get back, we will have some fun new honeymoon stories!

And headboard breaking along with pillow biting.

**No, dear readers, this is not the end. I just made it sound like the end, because of Bella's change. But, fret not, the next chapter is still filled with humor. Sorry if this is too fluffy. Er, no, no lemons. I'm not like that.**

**Question: Don't you think the Volturi is secretly the Mafia? I mean, Italian, evil, COME ON!**

**PM me if you want the outtake with Charlie's POV also. It's more fluffy than funny, but it's still funny. Oh my, a crying Charlie. PS, there's also an outtake with Jacob! Remember, PM me!**


	4. Newborns Let Loose!

**I realize that it has been forever and a half since I have updated, but I have good reasons! 1) I'm trying to find actors for **_**Jasper for the Presidency!: The Movie**_** which I will hopefully be posting on YouTube **_**if**_** I find actors. 2) I was all jazzed up about the **_**New Moon**_** DVD, which I am the proud owner of. Unfortunately, I didn't get the special ooh-and-ah type with extended scenes and such. I got the two-disc BUT it has the six part documentary on making the film, plus three music videos from the soundtrack, which is awesome. 3) My dang Math teacher likes to give us homework, which I **_**should **_**be doing right now, but, hey, are you my mother? No, it doesn't look like it. **

**Jasper**

So, after Ed & Bell's honeymoon, they came back, which made us very happy, but, OMG, they are louder than Emmett and Rosalie!

"OH, EDWARD!"

"SHUT UP!" I yelled. Unfortunately, Esme is still working on their cottage. When it is finished they can moan all they please and stop doing it in all of _our_ beds. I can't wait until Bella is changed because firstly, **I don't want to eat my sister-in-law. **Or sister, is it? I don't know, whatever the humans believe we are. Secondly, EDWARD'S GOT TO STOP BREAKING THE DARN HEADBOARDS! DAMMIT!

"Jasper," Alice cooed. "Come to bed. I have a surprise for you."

"Not now. I have an assassin after me, a war I need to take care of, Queen Elizabeth's medical bills, and an affair that I need to get into so that I can officially be a political figure."

"JaZzy! I nEeD tHiS! PLeAsE! I MiSs yOu!"

"What the puck? Why does it sound like you're capitalizing in all the wrong places?"

"WoWzErz!"

"Ugh. Where's my mistress?"

-----Ten Minutes Later--------

"Next!" Carlisle called. We were having Mistress Auditions.

Anorexic lady 10 came up to me in lingerie 10x too big.

"Jasper… I know we don't really know each other but, you've made my engine idle since I first saw you. I touch myself to the thought of you. I want you to father my baby. You make me wet."

My jaw dropped. Creepy…

"SECURITY!"

And they dragged Jessica Stanley away.

***

------Ten more minutes later---------

"AHH! AHH! GET OFF! GET OFF, RAPIST!"

"Jasper, dear. Well, when I first saw you in that school, I knew you would be the one. Well, not really. Edward was my first choice, but he got married, so… anyway, I know that my age is kinda a problem, but hey, age is but a number, right? Kiss me!"

"I say get off me Ms. Cope!"

But she touched me in my willies! Ew!

"Security!"

----------yet another 10 minutes later-----------------------------

"Jasper… TAKE ME BACK! WE HAD SOMETHING OVER a HUNDRED YEARS AGO! THEY TOLD ME YOU WERE DEAD!!! My Pa made me marry the hog! THE HOG! My children were half-hog half-person! Our babies could've been pretty and yummalicious! My friends thought me was crazy! I et my husband for breakfast! Cause he was da hog! THE HOGGG!!!!! My winter undies was soiled cause I didn't want to move if you was dead! THE HOG! THE HOG! THE HOG! Or was it the pig? THE HOG! My Pa made me marry the hog! They said you was killed by the Union Jack! My Ma made me et my hog husband!"

My ex-girlfriend was crazy. Besides, she was the world's oldest lady now! Ew!

"I know! I'm a vampire! I'm only telling you this because you're a crazy old lady who will probably get put in the cuckoo house if you tell anyone!"

I turned to Edward.

I whispered, "See, aren't you glad you're changing Bella?"

------one hour later------

"Jasper, I lust after you."

"You is hired!"

"YAY!" Mike squealed.

So it's settled! Mike is my lover now.

----------9 Fridays later----

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!?!?!?!?

**Emmett's POV**

Something seems…weird. Too weird. I better call El Presidente.

"JASPER!" I yelled into the phone.

"ngkfgzfg." he said. Stupid.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"

"Emmett, are you speaking into the listening part again?"

"Maybe."

"Ugh."

EW! A BUTTMUNCH! SEX IS MY ASPIRIN! PUPPIES ARE COOL!

Anyway," I said. "Where is the dictator girl?"

"Oh, killed her when she tried to become my mistress. It was funny. She was all like, 'JAZZY-PER! WHY!? I was just being the chef!'"

"You killed ME LOVEY JAZZY?"

"Yes. Yes I did. Unfortunately, she's going through the transformation. Speaking of… where is Bella? DID YOU LET NEWBORN BELLA ROAM ALONE???"

"She was only a newborn. Parenting magazines say that they need freedom."

"THAT'S A FREAKING NEWBORN BABY!"

"Oh. Like Rosalie? 'Cause she's MY baby… and I'm big daddy…"

Jasper's freaking out right now. Did I mention I didn't vote for him? I voted for everyone including John Wilkes Booth. He's dead. I also voted for Kellan Lutz. He's one fine looking mama jamma. I also voted for F*CKETY McF*CKERSON.

"Pickles are yummy?"

How come I'm being treated like a mindless blabbering idiot in fanfiction? Stephenie Meyer created me to be a well developed character!

Oh, well. That's what reality is for.

;jjwrl;_;;; _

_Ddd_

**Jasper**

In the end, I felt better because Bella has a happy mood. And because Ed & Bells moved out so they can moan all they want.

Oh, and also because Alice gave me a little surprise.

*wink*

**Sorry it was so short. I just got excited because Stephenie's writing a new book! It's about Bree (the newborn vampire from Eclipse) and the newborns with Victoria. I'm excited! **


	5. Paul McCartney, Kesha, and Orphans

**Emmett's POV**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH… EDWARD!"

"Mmm… That's right Bella…"

UGHHHHHH… newlyweds. Esme is still remodeling their cottage, so I guess it's moaning for another three days. It's not all bad, though. Yesterday, I walked in on them and saw that Bella has a nice-

"EMMETT!"

"Sorry Eddie."

Anyway…

**Jasper's POV**

Ah, the 4th of July! Red (which reminds me of blood), white (which reminds me of blood cells), and blue (which reminds me of veins)! Man, I love those colors! Anywhoo, I'm off to a place filled with orphans! YAY ORPHANS! Whoa, I sound like Emmett.

On the way to the orphanage, I saw a butterfly. It was pretty with blue and black covering it's wings. It came on over and got in my face. It was so annoying I ate it, but I spit it out because butterflies taste like poop.

Don't ask.

I walked into the orphanage and saw (OMG!) Paul McCartney!

"LIKE OMG, I LOVE YOU PAUL!" But before I could move, I saw (OMG) Ke$ha!

Paul McCartney AND Ke$ha! WOW!

"Who are you?" asked Paul. But I didn't answer! I tackled him and pulled out a random _Beatles _record I just so happen to carry around in my pants!

"OMG! SIGN IT! SIGN IT!"

"AHHHHHHH!"

"OMG, ARE YOU SINGING? HEY EVERYONE! THE BEATLES ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER!"

"Whaaa? NOOOOOOO! I'm 68! I'm TOO OLD! PLUS YOU FRIGHTEN ME! PLUS TWO OF THE BEATLES ARE DEAD! PLUS YOU FRIGHTEN ME!"

Whatevs.

"OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! Like, are you reading to dying British orphans too?"

"We're not dying," said a little boy.

"SHUT UP! I'LL GIVE YOU A COOKIE!"

"Okay."

I looked around for Ke$ha. She was just trying to sing.

"LIKE OMG! KE$HA AND PAUL SHOULD SING A DUET!"

"Erm…"

"SHUT UP PAUL!"

"O-ok."

**Two hours later…**

Hey… why is Ke$ha dead?

Where did the orphans go? MOMMY!

**Emmett's POV**

So, I tricked Jasper into signing his letter of resignation. Which means…

OH YEAH! I'M THE PREZ! BOW DOWN!

"EMMETT! COME BACK WITH THAT!"

"NEVER!"

"Oh ok."

"Really?"

"No."

"Fine."

Anyway, this day was pretty boring! WAIT! I ALMOST FORGOT!

"THREE… TWO… ONE… FIRE!"

The fireworks blew up into the air, lighting up the sky.

Tee-hee… they landed on Carlisle's car.

**I'm sorry it's short and pointless. I haven't updated in a while. You know, saying "I'll write tomorrow" but tomorrow never comes. So, hopefully future chapters will be better. Anyway, it was recently my birthday, so…**

**Write me one-shot. Funny, Edward + Bella one-shot. Keywords: Babysitting job, fired, Newton, help.**


End file.
